Love is Like a Labrador
Why do we fall in love with the people we do?
Why do some seem to soar effortlessly into healthy, caring partnerships?
Why do some of us dive into destruction over and over, no matter how hard we try to do differently?
Are we unlucky? Cursed? Riddled with some kind of invisible relationship Ebola?
Maybe if we were prettier, smarter or funnier things would be different. But then what about all those loved-up people with moobs and muffin tops? What about that guy you saw the other week on a date in crocs-n-socks (I’m joking, of course. Nobody gets a date in crocs-n-socks).
Well, on the one hand love is complex. On the other hand, understanding the choices we make about who we pursue becomes simple when you realise love is like a Labrador. (I can’t claim credit for this analogy, by the way. It’s borrowed from a rather brilliant book called ‘A General Theory of Love’ by Fari Amini, Richard Lannon, and Thomas B. Lewis).
Now, Labradors are a few things on the surface that instantly relate to new love. Adorable, energetic, slobbery and unwelcome on public transport. But the main reason love is like a Labrador is because a Lab will always pick out its owner in a crowd. The person who raised her (it could be a him, too, but in this analogy it’s a girl dog) will be the person she runs to. And that is no reflection on whether that person is a kind or loving owner. Even if the owner is neglectful, or cruel, or starves or beats her, she will run to him. Put her in the middle of a crowded street, and any number of people will treat her better. But she will find the one she knows – in a sense, the others don’t even exist as possibilities.
So you can see where we’re going with this. We instinctively seek the love we know, no matter how much the intellectual part of us may want something different. If we were raised by someone who met our needs, who recognised our uniqueness and worth, who respected and loved us simply for being, then it’s easy to choose that in a mate. It’s what we know. It’s what we seek. On the other hand, if we were brought up by people who did not (or could not) meet our needs, we will find ourselves drawn to others who leave us with that same feeling of disappointment. If we were valued for what we did rather than who we were, we’ll pair with others who treat us like a status accessory. Some argue we do this to try and ‘win’, to repeat the painful situation until we finally get the love we crave. Others say there is always comfort in the familiar. Whatever the reason, the point remains: if we have not been shown healthy love, we will not be automatically drawn to it.
So if you recognise yourself in these scenarios – if your little Lab senses are tuned to sniff out things that aren’t good for you – what now? How do you pick a ‘good person’ to go home with (metaphorically or literally)? The answer is very simple (note that I said ‘simple’, not ‘easy’). Your freedom to choose lies in your awareness that you need to make conscious, purposeful choices. Does this person share my values? Do we have good conversation? Are they considerate, empathic, warm, faithful, or whatever qualities you want in a partner? Do they listen to you? Value you? Is there potential for attraction to grow over time? Because the lightning zing of instant lust is more likely to be disaster than destiny for you. In fact, if you’re immediately attracted to someone, that may be a very clear warning sign against pursuing them.
This goes against at least 45,958,342 pop songs and an entire culture saturated with the idea of falling helplessly in love. It does make the beginning stages of a relationship much less intense. In fact, I would argue it’s a huge grief to give up that intoxicating insane feeling. It’s sad. It’s unfair. It’s particularly rubbish that those who have already suffered in love have to make further sacrifices. But as a very good (and rather wise) friend of mine once said, “it’s true that it doesn’t feel the same – but on the other hand, it means my passion is absolutely mine and not some awkward desperate yearning from a murky past.”
Give your Labrador loyalty to someone who will treat you well – and who, over time, will make your tongue hang out a little bit when you see them.