Catching Feelings: What Are 'Normal' Emotions?
Let’s all hold hands together and talk about our feelings.
Actually, let’s not.
Therapists are supposedly all about emoting. At one with all things tearful and fearful and heartfelt. Oozing empathy wherever we go, like big shiny snail trails.
Here’s the thing though: we’re not all like that. We’re a pretty motley bunch where it comes to emotions and moods. Some of us are thinky people, some of us are feely people. We have different responses to different things, and varying levels of intensity in our emotional worlds. Some of us are comfortable being open about our feelings, while some of us are very private. Many of us struggle to get angry, while others feel downright murderous if we go more than four hours between snacks (I may or may not be guilty of this).
What’s my point? Well, a pretty pervasive idea exists that there’s a ‘right’ thing to feel in any given situation.
But if there is, not even us ‘feelings experts’ could agree on what they are.
As I see it, ‘normal feelings’ only exist in a sort of general sense. We can roughly say which sorts of scenarios produce which kinds of feels. Generally, you’re sad at a funeral. Of course, you might not be depending on your relationship to the person while they were alive. Plus, even if you loved them deeply other feelings might be more dominant than sadness.
Any or all of the following would be just as ‘normal’:
Anxiety about how life will look now for you.
Worry about other family members and how they are coping.
Anger (however irrational) at the person for leaving you.
Relief, if their passing follows a long, painful dying process.
It’s also pretty common when bereaved to feel nothing at all. Just numb and hollow, like you’ve been scraped clean inside.
And if you’re of the idea that you must feel sad or you’re not normal, you’ll fill that emptiness with a towering layer cake of suck. Tiers of guilt, chunks of self-recrimination, fear-flavoured icing and the message ‘WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME’ scrawled on top in scarlet buttercream.
Clearly it has been too long between snacks.
I digress.
You may not like what you feel. You may find it distracting, upsetting, or even deeply disturbing to notice a particular feeling at a particular time. But the existence (or absence) of a feeling doesn’t make you a horrible person. It’s just information. Often very handy information.
For instance, if you feel no anger when someone betrays your trust, then that might be a hint that you expect people to treat you poorly – consciously or unconsciously. There’s something to work on.
On the other hand, maybe it’s normal for you to feel numb in the beginning. Perhaps anger takes a while to kick in.
AND THAT’S OKAY.
Don’t fight your feelings, or try to force them. Just notice them, ask yourself if you need to do anything, and maybe chat with a therapist or a sensible friend if a particular feeling is too confusing or painful.
‘Normal’ is a setting on the washing machine.
Go be your normal.